LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDOURED THING
The word "love" is perhaps the most beautiful word in the Bible.
Yet because many have failed to understand its real meaning, they have never
enjoyed its many-sided splendor. Being more influenced in their concept of love
by the 20th century entertainment world and by romantic literature than by the
teaching of God's Word, many couples have missed the wholesome and exhilarating
experience of true love.
Many a marriage has been wrecked because of a failure to understand the real
meaning of love. The emotional thrill caused by the presence of some member of
the opposite sex has often been mistaken for true love. Proceeding on that
basis, many have married only to discover in a short while that what they considered
to be love was not love at all - it was just romantic infatuation.
How often a young man "falls in love"
with some girl and then, projecting himself into the place of the hero of the
last film he saw (or book he read), begins to feel that if only he could marry
her, they could together "live happily ever after". But marriage has
a way of shattering the dream-world that an infatuated couple lived in during
days of courtship and engagement. It awakens them and plants them firmly in the
world of reality. If infatuation is blind, marriage is certainly an eye-opener!
True love
We must understand what the Bible means when it speaks of "love",
or else we too shall tread the pathway of failure that millions of young people
and married couples are treading today.
The New Testament was originally written in Greek and that language has four
words for "love" - agape,
philia, storge and eros. Of
these, storge is used almost
exclusively to refer to the love of parents for their children and of children
for their parents. Since we are dealing here with love between the sexes, we
shall ignore storge and consider only
the other three words. Agape, philia
and eros refer to three levels of
love - which could correspond to man's spirit, soul and body.
Beginning at the lowest level, eros
refers to the love of physical passion. It has been defined as "the hot
and unendurable desire" and has primary reference to the union of the body
of one with that of the other. It is a love based on something physical in one
person that can satisfy the craving of another. It is a love that always seeks
to receive.
The next word is philia. This is
the commonest word for "love" in Greek, and refers to affectionate
regard and the love of friendship. The idea is of cherishing. It has primary
reference in marriage to the union of the soul of one with that of the other.
It is a love based usually on similarity of intellectual and emotional outlook.
It means more than physical love but it can still be self-centered, for its
satisfaction often comes from the feeling that one is wanted, or that one is a
benefactor or a protector of that other needy person.
The third word - which speaks of the highest level of love - is agape. This is the love of God imparted
to us by the Holy Spirit (Rom.
5:5). This word has primary reference in marriage to the union of the spirit of
one with that of the other. It is a self-giving love - the love of Calvary's
cross.
William Barclay in `More New Testament Words', says, "Agape is unconquerable benevolence,
invincible goodwill. It is not simply a wave of emotion; it is a deliberate
conviction of the mind issuing in a deliberate policy of the life; it is a
deliberate achievement and conquest and victory of the will. It takes all of
man to achieve this love; it takes not only his heart; it takes his mind and
his will as well. It is impossible for a man to have this love unless the
Spirit takes possession of him and sheds abroad the love of God in his
heart."
A Greek lexicon referring to agape
says, "It chooses its object with decision and self-denying compassion.
This is love in its fullest and highest form. It has its source in God. The
verb-form stands for kindliness towards its object and has reference to the
tendency of the will."
Agapan (the verb-form of agape) itself means, "to value, to
have a concern for, to delight in and to be faithful to". In reference to
the love that should exist between a husband and wife, this would mean that
each partner should value the other as of infinite worth; they should have a concern
for each other; they should delight and rejoice in each other; and they should
be faithful to one another.
The Bible defines agape thus:
"It is slow to lose patience - it looks for a way of being constructive.
It is not possessive; it is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish
inflated ideas of its own importance. It has good manners and does not pursue
selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not keep account of evil or gloat
over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good
men when truth prevails. It knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its
trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one
thing that still stands when all else has fallen" (1 Cor. 13:4-8-JBP).
Another definition of agape is:
"It is slow to suspect but quick to trust; slow to condemn but quick to
justify; slow to offend but quick to defend; slow to expose but quick to
shield; slow to reprimand but quick to forbear; slow to belittle but quick to
appreciate; slow to demand but quick to give; slow to provoke but quick to
conciliate; slow to hinder but quick to help; and slow to resent but quick to
forgive".
In the married life of a believer, all these loves should exist - but in the
proper order - agape first, philia next and eros third. This is in accordance with the teaching of 1
Thessalonians 5:23, which puts spirit first, soul next and body third. This was
the order that God intended should exist in man when He created him.
In fallen man however this order is reversed,
and therefore even his concept of love is perverted. An attraction of the
carnal mind and body of one to the carnal mind and body of another is what this
world calls "love". It is just philia
and eros - and alas, sometimes eros
alone. Yet in God's eyes, nothing is worthy of being called "love"
unless it has the agape constituent
in it.
Falling in love
Is it right for a believer to fall in love? This depends on what is meant by
the term - "falling in love". The world considers love to be an irresistible
power that suddenly grips a man and begins to rule him. If, by some chance, the
person who has thus "fallen in love" cannot marry his beloved, he has
no alternative but to pine away in sorrow all his days - or at least until he
"falls in love" again. A large number of pop songs and films are
based on this theme of the disappointed lover. All this is due to the fact that
the world can conceive of love only on the philia
and eros level. Such a "falling
in love" is obviously wrong for a believer.
For the child of God, love should commence on the agape level and should be
based primarily on spiritual attraction. Thus alone should he "fall in
love". He should live so totally under the control of the Holy Spirit that
he is able to rule his emotions, and not allow them to run away with him. The
Christian must be directed by the Spirit of God in his love as much as in any
other area of his life. The Holy Spirit alone can lead you to the person God
has chosen to be your life-partner - and that is the only person you should
ever fall in love with.
How careful we should be then! We cannot afford to be like the unbeliever
who falls in love with a person and then after some months or years changes his
mind and falls in love with someone else. A believer should never be the
plaything of his emotions. His love should originate in his will and not in his
emotions - for emotions can be very deceptive. Feelings of love need not be
absent but should follow the willing of love. But this is possible only when we
allow the Cross to operate constantly in our lives, putting to death the
desires of our own self and making us accept only the will of God.
Whenever you meet a person of the opposite sex towards whom you feel
attracted, you must let the Cross operate ruthlessly on your natural affection,
and thus keep yourself from any emotional involvement (even secretly) with
her/him. Thus alone will you be in a fit state to ascertain the will of God.
You must hold back the emotional involvement until after you find God's will in
the matter. Otherwise you will find that your emotions dull your rational
thinking and you will eventually be misguided.
You must be careful that your emotions don't lead you into situations which
you may afterward regret. It is tragic to discover after you have given your
love to someone (albeit secretly) that that person is not God's choice for you.
To detach yourself emotionally from him/her will then be extremely difficult.
An experience of this kind causes many problems and is not easily removed from
the mind. Memory has a way of bringing it up again and again even after you are
married to someone else. Guilt and regret can then plague your mind thereby
injuring your personality and ruining your marriage.
Young men especially have to be careful that they do not get carried away by
physical beauty or charm alone. Where there is no true love, physical
attraction must be kept down severely. Where true love does exist, physical
attraction will not be the main thing anyway.
In this matter of love, as in other matters,
the Scriptural command is, "Do not be conformed to this world... but be
transformed (changed) by the (entire) renewal of your mind - but its new ideals
and its new attitude - so that you may prove (for yourselves) what is the good
and acceptable and perfect will of God" (Rom. 12:2).
Infatuation and love
There is a considerable difference between
romantic infatuation and agape-love. Some may ask, "How can I know whether
I really love a girl/boy or whether I am only infatuated?" Webster's dictionary
defines "infatuation" as "the state of being inspired with an
extravagant or foolish passion, too obstinate to be controlled by reason".
The contrast between infatuation and agape love will become clearer if we
consider the experiences of two Christian young men - Randy who was only
romantically infatuated with a girl, and Michel who truly loved a girl (with
agape-love). The illustrations given below would be equally applicable in the
case of girls. (Many of the points of contrast between infatuation and love
mentioned below have been obtained from Dwight Hervey Small's `Design for
Christian Marriage', to which I am indebted).
A case of romantic infatuation
Randy met this girl at college. She was the first girl who looked attractive
to him and who seemed to respond to him. He did not know her too well, but
suddenly discovered that he had (as he termed it) "fallen in love with
her". It was a case of love at first sight. Of course, the girl's physical
beauty and charm and a few interests that she had in common with him were the
only factors that led to his falling for her. Physical beauty was undoubtedly
the prime factor. He knew very little about the girl but thought he saw a few
points in her that he admired. He greatly exaggerated these points and formed
an idealized picture of her in his mind. He imagined her to be perfect (as no
other girl in the world could possibly be) and refused to see any faults in her
(even though her faults were very obvious to others). He lived in a dream-world
of his own making and often felt as though he were walking on air. He felt on
top of the world for he had found the perfect girl - infatuation, you see, is
blind! He felt irresistibly drawn to her and he was always making some excuse
or other to be near her or with her. He could not think of life without her. He
avoided any discussion that might have revealed the differences and
incompatibility that existed between her and himself.
Since she was the perfect girl, Randy felt that he should show her that he
was the perfect man. This made him highly artificial, for he exhibited only
that part of him which he considered most attractive. He tried to show that he
was unselfish and humble. But deep down, his motives were selfish for he was
basically a self-centered person. This girl met a deep longing in his own heart
and he really desired her only in order that he might be happy. The girl was
only a means to this end. He sometimes thought about how he could make her
happy, but never thought about making anyone else happy. He felt very jealous
and suspicious whenever he saw her talking to any other boy in the college. He
was unreasonable and expected her to talk only with him and not even with other
girls. All this was because Randy had a feeling of insecurity, caused by childhood
experiences which had left him with a feeling of being unacceptable and
unlovable. As a result, he lacked confidence in his ability to win and hold a
girl's love. This made him expect from her a loyalty that he feared he had not
won and did not deserve.
He was also in a great hurry to marry her, and as this hurry was only to
haste to mate, any delay was intolerable. Problems due to lack of finance,
parental objections and even sharp cultural differences stood in the way of their
marriage; but Randy, confident that love could overcome everything, shut his
eyes to all these difficulties ("A prudent man foresees the difficulties
ahead... the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences"-
Prov. 22:3-LW). When others tried to advise him he refused to listen, for he
was under the spell of romantic infatuation (it is almost impossible to make a
person listen to the voice of reason when once he is under such a spell).
Then suddenly a small disagreement, caused by a
misunderstanding, arose between Randy and the girl. This angered him so much
that he suddenly began to see all sorts of weaknesses in her which he had never
seen before - and he told her so. His pride had been hurt and this had jolted
him suddenly into the world of reality. He became disgusted with the girl and
soon began to hate her too, just as Amnon hated Tamar (2 Sam. 13:1-17). But
Randy was not too upset by this, because he did not care much for the girl's
feelings. Besides, he had secretly been having his eye on another girl who now
seemed far more attractive and "perfect".
A case of agape-love
In Michel's case, he had known the girl casually for quite some time before
he felt that she was indeed God's choice for him. She loved the Lord as he did
and their outlook and interests seemed to be identical. For some time he had
unobtrusively observed her under a variety of circumstances and had found out
all that he could about her. Love for her had grown gradually in Michel's
heart. There was no sudden, impulsive, headlong fall. There had been a calm and
steady progression from casual acquaintance to agape-love. His attraction for
her was based on her spirituality and her character primarily. Physical
attraction had also played a part - although a minor one - for she was not one
who would have won a prize in any beauty-contest. But Michel considered her
beautiful even though others may not have done so. He had tried to form a
realistic picture of her, without looking at certain good points only. There
was some degree of idealization; that was only to be expected. But reality was
looked at squarely without fear or self-deception (agape-love, you see, is not
blind like romantic infatuation).
Michel's motives were unselfish. His desire for her was pure. He was
considerate and was genuinely concerned for her and sought her welfare before
his own. He did not want her for his own personal happiness. His desire was
firstly that they might jointly please the Lord and secondly that she might be
happy (the pathway of blessing is in giving and not in receiving - Acts 20:35). He was prepared to sacrifice anything
of his own for her good. He was dedicated to her and wished to develop the
potential that lay within her. He had no desire to exploit her in any way for
his own gain.
There was a spontaneity and a naturalness about Michel even when he was in
her presence. There was no artificiality. He was transparently honest and
sincere.
He did not think about her alone all the time. He often though of how he
(and later on, they together) could help those around who were in spiritual and
physical need. At all times Michel kept the Lord Jesus supreme in his
affections; the girl was only second. The Lord's work also took first priority
in his life. He never neglected that, in order to meet her. He wanted her also
similarly to put the Lord first in her life.
Michel had complete confidence in her and there was no feeling of
insecurity. He never demanded anything nor was he possessive or unreasonable.
There was no jealousy or suspicion at all. The greatest proof of his love was
that he did not rob her of her freewill. He gave her the freedom to say
"No".
When circumstances kept them apart for a long time his love for her did not
wane. It only deepened. They had financial difficulties and other problems too.
They had to delay their marriage for quite some time because of these factors.
Even though he was disappointed for a while because of this, yet he accepted it
as from God and as ordered by Him with a good end in view. He patiently waited
and prepared himself for marriage during this waiting time. He counted the cost
and made every preparation for their life together. This waiting time also
served to assure himself of his deep love for her and also for the fact that
God had indeed chosen her for him.
He did not always agree with her on everything. But the unquenchable flame
of his love enabled him to accept disagreements on matters that were not of
vital importance, for he felt that these enabled them each to express their
individuality.
Suresh's love for the girl was permanent. He
could never think of loving anyone else.
The contrast
In these two examples, we see the sharp contrast between romantic
infatuation (often mistaken for love) and real love in the Biblical sense.
Those who are infatuated may manifest only some of the characteristics that Randy
manifested - nevertheless it will still be infatuation. The case of Michel is
the picture of a perfect lover. No one may be exactly like him, yet perfection
should be our goal. We should never aim at anything less.
It is possible for romantic infatuation to develop into true love in course
of time, but it cannot be called agape-love until it begins to manifest at
least some of the main characteristics of the latter.
Young people, in order to avoid being misled,
should be able to distinguish between infatuation and love. Infatuation will
wear off in a short time. Agape-love will last all through married life and
will transform every duty into a delight and every obligation into a joy.
A need for caution
We must take to heart the warning repeated thrice in the Song of Solomon
(ch.2:7; 3:5; 8:4), "Do not awaken nor stir up love until love itself
shall please" (Berkeley Version). In other words, wait for God's time to
love instead of rushing ahead into a wild infatuation.
"Above all else, guard your affections.
For they influence everything else in your life" (Prov. 4:23-LW). | 
